A Tale of Two Potatoes: Hash Browns vs. Home Fries

They are the best of potatoes, they are the slightly less good but still not the worst of potatoes, they are the eternal question before breakfast orderers nationwide, they are cold and undercooked, they are blackened and overdone, they are swimming in fake grease, they are flavorful with genuine butter - in short, these potatoes are so alike and so different that in the noisiest of diners servers insist on patrons deciding, for good or for evil, whether they would like hash browns or home fries with that.

Let us explore the world of these two breakfast potato choices...

I will say up front that hash browns are my breakfast starch of choice. They have been since the days of the elementary school cafeteria serving hash browns on "breakfast day." This was a day of legend, the reason for its existence kept from us by that dark and unknowable being that decides what third-graders eat for lunch. That body deemed that on the appointed day, elementary school children shall consume eggs, pancakes, and hash browns at the time of day reserved on other days for fare known as "lunch food."

It was the hash brown, that crispy golden oval, that made breakfast day so special to me. I stood aloof from the hysteria that consumed my peers at the notion of eating breakfast for lunch. I wasn't above it; I was beside it. There was no hysteria. There was only the hash brown.

Those hash browns were similar to the McDonald's hash brown.

They were comprised of bits of potato formed into oval patties. They were baked on sheets in industrial ovens which often dried them out. They were not greasy, as hash browns tend to be. They were delightful. Thus began my love of hash brown potatoes.

I still love the oval style hash browns, but almost never have them these days. Diners and restaurants are the only places I get hash browns anymore, and hash browns from restaurants and diners are different. For example, the hash browns I'm most familiar with are those at the Nugget Diner. These are thin strips of potates, fried on a griddle. The outside of the pile of potatoes gets browned and turns crispy. Beyond this outer griddle-exposed layer the potatoes remain white but are thoroughly cooked.

Nugget Diner style hash browns are less organized than elementary school cafeteria hash browns. Nugget Diner style hash browns just look like a pile of potato strips:

Man oh man. PSA: Writing about this and especially searching for pictures of hash browns is a terrible, horrible idea when you're super hungry like I am right now. Terrible idea.

And then there are home fries. I'm not going to be as enthusiastic about home fries because I've eaten recently and am not super hungry anymore, and I don't like home fries as much as I like hash browns. Maybe if the Breakfast Day had featured home fries instead of hash browns, the foot would be on the other hand today. Alas, hash browns stole my heart and home fries will never make it theirs.

Home fries are the in-between of the potato world. They're not fried and crispy like hash browns or french fries. They're also not creamy like mashed potatoes. They're browned, but not crispy, and chewy but still a little hard. They're trapped somewhere in breakfast potato purgatory - They're not great, but they're not all bad. The kind that are cut into little squares are agreeable if they're fried long enough. They're better than the circular kind. Here's some pictures to help you out:

This is the circular kind. They look particularly unappealing in this picture, but that just helps make my point so I'm using this picture.

Meh.

And these are the square or cube kind:

mmmm, so much better.

As we get to the end of this, I feel obligated to offer a dubious tie-in to Carson's breakfast scene: Pop's has decent cube style home fries. The "soon-to-be-world-famous Spuds" at Cracker Box are circular style and don't impress me. I have tried the Nugget Diner's home fries, and they're better than Cracker Box's.

What I'm waiting for is the day that some other type of potato is offered to me with breakfast. Omelette with mashed potatoes? I think au gratin potatoes would fit with breakfast. Until I see that, I'll stick with hash browns.